A Bronx woman jammed an umbrella through her boyfriend's eye and into his brain, nearly killing him, as they fought over her looking at other men, police said yesterday.
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Commissioner Gordon issued a press release stating, “There is no need to panic. Our investigation to date does not suggest that The Penguin is involved in this unfortunate occurrence.”
Mayor Bloomberg used the opportunity to suggest a new statute that would call for rounded edges on all umbrellas carried in New York with stiff fines for violators. An unidentified source at City Hall indicated that class action civil suits are being explored against Totes, London Fog, and Burberry Limited.
A spokesperson for the Presidential Security Group (PSG) in the Philippines was informed of the incident. The reply was, “NICE!!!”
Totes public relations office issued the following statement: "The umbrella didn't just jump up and poke Mr. Ali on its own. We have no plans to put safety locks on our umbrella stock. I mean, come on, some times those rain squalls pop up out of no-where. Easy accessibility is one of the staples of Tote umbrellas. And, as for the 2 week waiting period suggested by Senator Schumer of New York...we will fight that legistation as well as the one suggesting a ban on the sale of our executive full-sized, wind resistant lines."
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