I think Garrison Keillor might be gay (as well as obtuse)

KEILLOR: "Be happy, dear hearts, and allow yourselves a few more weeks of quiet exultation.

It isn't gloating, it's satisfaction at a job well done. He was a superb candidate, serious, professorial but with a flashing grin and a buoyancy that comes from working out in the gym every morning.

He spoke in a genuine voice, not senatorial at all. He relished campaigning. He accepted adulation gracefully. He brandished his sword against his opponents without mocking or belittling them. He was elegant, unaffected, utterly American, and now (Wow) suddenly America is cool. Chicago is cool."

YES!!! I BEEN SAYING THIS ALL ALONG!!!! Obama looks great…has fantastic mannerisms and a great smile. He didn’t flinch when the great unwashed kissed his ring, and only gave the finger twice on camera to his opponents (without being mocking or belittling…that ain’t easy). He’s just what we need as the leader of the whole free freakin’ world…someone who looks good doing it. Damn…Captain Wobegon is in a zone!!!!

KEILLOR: "The French junior minister for human rights said, "On this morning, we all want to be American so we can take a bite of this dream unfolding before our eyes." When was the last time you heard someone from France say they wanted to be American and take a bite of something of ours? Ponder that for a moment.

The world expects us to elect pompous yahoos and instead we have us a 47-year-old prince from the prairie who cheerfully ran the race, and when his opponents threw sand at him, he just smiled back."

THE FRENCH LIKE US…THE FRENCH LIKE US!!! Oh…crap...

And...for the record...one of the statements that the French junior minister for human rights made was, "This is the fall of the Berlin Wall times ten."

Spoken like a true luminary who understands the gravity of historical events. Shall we delve into the icky insinuations of a junior grade rights "progressor" who happens to be a Muslim in a country where car burning by Muslim youths is more popular than sliced bread? Nah...let's just consider that she's French...and therefore we seek her approval.

KEILLOR: "He'll be the first president in history to look really good making a jump shot. He loves his classy wife and his sweet little daughters. He looks good in the kitchen. He can cook Indian or Chinese but for his girls he will do mac and cheese. At the same time, he knows pop music, American lit and constitutional law.

I just can't imagine anybody cooler. Look at a photo of the latest pooh-bah conference - the hausfrau Merkel, the big glum Scotsman, that goofball Berlusconi, Putin with his B-movie bad-boy scowl, and Sarkozy, who looks like a district manager for Avis - you put Barack in that bunch and he will shine."

YES!!!!! He looks good…I mean…he looks good.

Hey…anyone remember that slab of meat that used to grace the covers of all those romance novels that polluted the line at the grocery check-out register?….Fabio was/is his name. About the most substantive thing Fabio ever accomplished was ridding Busch Gardens Williamsburg of a careless goose.

Shine, Obama, shine. Stand next to Putin…you’re taller. Do a profile photo-op with Merkel…you’re thinner. And Sarkozy…do the close-up discussion with serious expression shot with him. HIS NOSE IS HUGE!!!

KEILLOR: "Our hero who galloped to victory has inherited a gigantic mess. The country is sunk in debt. The Treasury announced it must borrow $550 billion to get the government through the fourth quarter, more than the entire deficit for 2008, so he will have to raise taxes and not only on bankers and lumber barons.

His promise never to raise the retirement age is not a good idea. Whatever he promised the Iowa farmers about subsidizing ethanol is best forgotten at this point. We may not be getting our National Health Service cards anytime soon. And so on and so on."

Huh? You mean…wait…what? BUT HE LOOKS SO FREAKIN’ GOOD!!!!