Thursday, November 13, 2008

"FAT ASS MIKE"


TORONTO — An obese inmate who goes by the nickname "Big Mike" has been granted early parole because a Canadian prison could not accommodate his 430-pound frame.
If you could see me, you would note that my head is sort of tilted in contemplation, my eyes are a bit squinted in consideration, and one eyebrow is raised in confusion.

"A former chef, Lapointe was arrested on drug-related charges in 2006. In February 2008, he pleaded guilty to all of his charges. At the time of his arrest, Lapointe weighed 375 pounds.

Defense lawyer Clemente Monterosso said the prison's poor diet caused his client to gain more than 50 pounds."

Ohhhhhh...OK...I get it. "Sort of Big Mike" got pinched for drugs. He went to prison and became "BIGGER MIKE." A couple broken toilet seats later, the parole board gives him a "get out of jail free card" because the plumbing, food, and folding chair fund was suffering drastically. Either that, or a fat guy was complaining because they were giving him a lot of food to eat (which is hard to...ahem...swallow).

Patience...here's the kicker:

The two-officer board stressed that Lapointe was not violent and did not pose a risk to society.
Lapointe will have to follow a series of conditions, such as finding a job and staying away from bars. He will also have to meet with a parole officer on a regular basis over the next three months.

Nope...not a risk to society, unless you come between him and a cheeseburger. Who wants to bet that "BIG ASS MIKE" reads the conditions of the parole to include staying away from salad bars? Who thinks that "VOLUMINOUS MIKE" will lose weight now that he is out of the clink? Who thinks that "TUBBY MIKE" slapped on all that extra fat on purpose so that he could use the self-imposed unhealthy condition to secure release, then stay indoors on the couch eating Funions with the knowledge that, should he choose to, he could actually go outside instead of just staring with a sugar-glazed gape to the uncut grass outside his mom's flat?

Who thinks the Toronto Parole Board should have required two push-ups from "MASSIVE MIKE THE COLOSSAL SLOTH" as a final condition of parole.