The Enviro Defense...

Roberto Garcia potentially faces deportation to his native Honduras after Stapleton Criminal Court Judge Matthew A. Sciarrino Jr. found him guilty of trying to shoplift beer from a Shop Rite store in July.

Sciarrino convicted Garcia, 30, at a bench trial yesterday of misdemeanor counts of attempted petit larceny and attempted criminal possession of stolen property.

The Morningstar Road resident was sentenced to 60 days in jail.

Even more troubling for Garcia is that he potentially faces deportation, due to the conviction, authorities said. Officials believe he is in the country illegally.

According to sources, Garcia was stopped as he tried to leave the store with two six packs in his backpack. The defendant said he had placed the beer in his backpack to avoid using a plastic bag and, in turn, help the environment.

He said he intended to pay for the brew.

Amateurs…clearly the public defender was inept. The defense should have been apropos of the “Kingsforth Six.” Try this on for size.

Yes…I did indeed steal the beer. I would have stolen more, but this was my only available backpack. My brother was using the other one at the time to steal garden gnomes, whose offensive inanimate mocking devastates the natural facade of the gardens to which we tend.

I stole the beer to save birds from strangling within the offensive and murderous plastic bindings which group these non-biodegradable aluminum containers together. It was my ultimate goal to empty these cans as quickly as possible and dispose of the twelve detestable abusers to the environment in a secure and space conscious fashion so as not to tax our local landfills. My cousin Rodrigo had even volunteered his rigid forehead in such an endeavor. Yes, I stole the beer, but did so to better us all.

As for the accusation that I’m an illegal alien…I say I am an inhabitant of the planet…a planet without boundaries or predisposed opinions in which ‘illegal’ contradicts what is right. I spread my good deeds in every country without request or concern.

In reference to the separate July 3rd incident in which I was arrested for burglary. That is a separate matter entirely. I was, merely, recovering what was rightfully mine. “B*tch stole my gun!”