Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sunday Essay: "I'm Adopting!!!"

(Every Sunday will include a little essay that is off the beaten track a bit. It's not meant to be serious. It's not meant to invoke any deep thinking. It's just for fun...and more than a few will be a bit warped. Just like the other six days entries.)


I’m excited.

I just took the plunge, hastily jumping headfirst into the world of adoption. Sure, it’s an immense move. The anxiety is killing me. The financial cost was significant.

However, how can you put a price on happiness?

I’m not sure about the arrival date yet. The service is an internationally established organization with a domestic headquarters on the east side of Manhattan. They don’t, necessarily, have a stellar reputation for reliability. Though, my fingers are crossed in anticipation.

I roped off the entire south side of my property for the endeavor. Of course, I’ll probably have to comply with the myriad consultants offered by the adoption service. So, nothing is etched in stone. After all, they’ve done this sort of thing before. Not me, I’m new to this adoption thing. Just this afternoon I started pricing front end loader rentals. Yes, there’s magic in the air on my home front. First the adoption, and then my childhood fantasy of operating an overgrown Tonka™ toy. This is going to be great.

Confused? It’s not surprising. I didn’t adopt a child. No, I adopted a minefield.

Really. The service offered a number of different adoption plans. I had the opportunity to share with other adoptive parents. But, I wanted one to call my very own. A minefield needs stability in its life. All that uprooting and down setting can’t be good in these formative years. So, I shelled out the entire $25,000 after filling out the online application. Presto! The screen alerted me that my adoption had been processed effectively, and my payment had been received. It took me a couple minutes to calm down after I failed to grab a screen capture. I was, already, over on Google checking for heavy equipment rentals by the time I realized that the approval screen is probably the closest thing I’ll get to a birth certificate.

I haven’t received word on the arrival date yet. She’s coming from Matutuine in the Maputo District of Mozambique.

I’m not too sure how she will get along with Keisha, my Kuvasz. Keisha had laid claim to that portion of my yard, at least, a half a dozen times. We’ll see.

Once we get settled I’m going to explore further into other adoptions, possibly. I understand there are a large number of misplaced water sheds out there in the brutal world. I’m told that there are beaches that are in desperate need of adoption as well. Actually, it’s pretty unsettling when you open your eyes and see all those alone in the world looking for a good home. Adoptions of Manatees, bats, classrooms, pilots, wheat fields, greyhounds, racehorses, birds, POW’s, bison, birds, wolves, streams, highways etc.

If I adopt a beach, highway, water shed, stream, and wheat field over the next five years I should be pretty self-sufficient when all is said and done. Although, I’m considering going for the bulk set. I may just adopt a State. I have it narrowed down to California or Florida. Perhaps that’s a bit premature. For now, I’m just looking forward to getting my new arrival situated.

Wish me luck...

Previous "Sunday Essays":

The Perfect Murder
The Great Pierre Bruneseau
Our Ancestors Ate Dirt
Bastardizing Chivalry
On my way to Obscurity