I picked up a bit of airplane reading recently, and stumbled upon this Holiday offering.
Santa Responds (He's had enough...and he's writing back!)
There's no author listed (so it must really be the guy in red). It is from a Brit point of view, so not all references to the United States are...well...complimentary. But, simply put...it's hilarious. In the theme of free advertising as well as Tranformative Fair Use...you'll find my favorite (so far) below.
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Hi Santa,
How is the North Pole? I live in Florida, so I never see snow and it is always warm and hot. I hope that your reindeer can fly here without any snow. I will leave carrots for them to make them happy. I like carrots too but not more than I like candy. I don't think reindeers can eat candy.
For Christmas, I want a baseball so that I can learn to throw like my big brother. Maybe he will play catch with me on the beach like he does with his friends. I would like a baseball very much. It would be a good present.
My Daddy needs a new job because he lost his old one and my Mommy needs a new car because her old one is broken. Please see if your elves can help.
I will watch for you on Christmas Eve. My flashlight will be at the window so you can find my house. It is the yellow one with a white door just in case you don't see me.
Merry Christmas!
Ryan
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(Santa Enterprises--North Pole)
Dear Ryan,
You're a good kid. So it pains me to have to be the one to tell you that fate has dropped you into a cesspool--and I don't just mean Florida. The sad truth is that wonderful children are born all the time into families who don't deserve them, and with whom they don't deserve to have gotten stuck. Soon enough you'll come to realize that your juvenile delinquent of an older brother is only your half brother. Steer clear of him. Meanwhile, the freeloader you both call your father (don't worry, he really isn't) will be moving on right after your mother loses her job because of having no way to get to work. Unfortunately, she'll soon begin a career that she can perform from home and additional half-siblings will be the result. DO NOT attach yourself to any of them. Make the most of the baseball I'll be bringing you this year. Your real father was the captain of the Duke University baseball team (enjoying a little Spring Break R & R) and you've inherited his brains and his talent ten times over. Pursue scholarships, and keep them a secret from your parasitic family. When you're accepted for a full ride at your father's alma mater, leave these soul-suckers behind and never look back.
I'm pulling for you,
SANTA
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