Thursday, March 26, 2009

Earth Hour Contrarianism..."Mirth Hour" on a shoe string budget

Earth Hour is Saturday at 8:30pm...or something like that. Mirth Hour is all year long...

Not everyone can afford to turn the space heaters and the air conditioning on that the same time. Sure, it makes a point, but it also makes a dent in the wallet. It's imperative that we all have the opportunity to express ourselves convincingly regardless of our financial status. "Mirth Hour" should be enjoyed by everyone with equal enthusiasm. You need not burn the carbon out of a Vanquish S V-12 to receive the rapture and bliss of knowing you, personally, nullified the empty environmental gesture of an entire village. Hell, we can take care of that with things laying around the house:


1. Burn your trash in an open receptacle. Should you live in an urban environment and worry about Gore-acolytes ratting you out to the nearest leaf eating disciple…simply offer to burn their trash as well. Tell them you have an uncle living in Mozambique who will gladly plant a Baobab on their behalf…maybe two.

BONUS: If you really do have an Uncle living in Mozambique…call him and ask him to cut one down instead...maybe two.

2. Mow your grass. If you live in that part of the world in which Winter has disallowed you anything good to cut…mow your grass anyway. If you don’t have headlights on your mower…mow your grass. You’re likely to take out that nice sapling that you really didn’t want cluttering up your make-shift putting green in the process. Double win.

BONUS: Get junior working the Weed-Wacker. I’ve seen teenagers operating a Weed-Wacker before. Nothing’s safe.

3. Fireworks. Face it; you have some left over from the last fireworks friendly holiday. You want to make sure you get plenty of cadmium, lithium, antimony, rubidium, strontium, lead and potassium nitrate into the immediate area. You want to find the fireworks that have lots of blue in them. Those are loaded with dioxin. If you don’t have anything at home, and can’t find someone willing to sell you any at a reasonable off-season price, just load up a toilet paper roll with black powder and close both ends with wax.

BONUS: If those same Carbon Cultists come a-knockin’ sporting a scowl and a lecture, I’ll give you bonus points if you light off a green one and tell them that your pyrotechnics are environmentally friendly.

4. Road flares make a nice decorative display to line your sidewalk. The solar storing lamps are so dim and uninspiring. Remember, this is a celebration of…saving…or something. And, here’s a fun fact: Road flare ignition releases thirteen (13) separate chemicals into the air that ought not to be there.

BONUS: Attach a good supply of road flares tip to tip to a giant pinwheel. Then, attach the center of the wheel to a rubber strap that hooks onto the standard sized fan belt of the least fuel efficient automobile that you own (Author’s note: late model cars engines are too compact. Find something old and still made of metal). Affix the rubber strap to the fan belt and create your own Iridium Wheel of Wonder.

5. Visit your most environmentally conscious tofu munching neighbors during Earth Hour and pretend to lose a contact lens. Now, upon announcing the tragic event you can either require that someone throw on a light, or you can take great satisfaction in ordering no one to move for the next hour.

BONUS: Extra points for pretending to find your contact lens, and immediately requesting that you neighbor boil some water to sterilize it before returning it to your orb. Master designation if you get them to make coffee while you wait.


A friend of mine just suggested:

"Why not just burn a freakin' truck tire and be done with it?"