Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Worm Goes to the Movies...

The 2009 Academy Awards…(aka: The Circlejerk of Self-importance)


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This is a rip-off of a George Carlin joke…but less interesting..

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…...and you finish off as an orgasm." (Rest in Peace George)


A biopic on Harvey Milk…the first openly homosexual politician to suggest that equality was the goal while successfully legislating special consideration for homosexuals via “gay rights.” Hypocrisy and irony wrapped up in the usual elitist condescension…otherwise known as Hollywood crack.


A movie based on a play based on a television interview. Zzzzzzzzzzz… Here we have one form of media robbing another form of media…which had already robbed the original form of media. You see…after the first robbery…there is usually nothing left in the vault…unless the first crooks on the scene didn’t get all the loot. No worries…however. Ron Howard gives us a flick that makes some of the stuff up…embellishes some of the other stuff…and tries to provide a movie highlighting “gotcha journalism” when in fact the true interview revealed absolutely nothing that the American people didn’t know already.

Slumdog Millionaire

I got tossed out of the theater for adding a bit of color to the score. Apparently, Lowes Cineplex has something against applying your own jayamangal tal efforts. I’m not a big fan of the whole Bollywood experience. I was scarred at a young age when some half-wit decided to pre-empt Saturday morning cartoons with wild screeching musicals from India (average looking women with above average (volume) midrifts suggesting a bit too much parappu poornam between meals). I’m even less of a fan of game shows. To me…this was a poor man’s version of “Quiz Show.” Then again, when has any of the “Woods” done anything original? Not lately… Jamal Malik, Herb Stempel, Charles Van Doren…six of one…have dozen of another.

The Reader

Naked hot chick seduces underage kid. Naked hot chick can’t read, and this is somehow a worse travesty than all those murdered Jews. Naked hot chick goes to jail. Underage kid grows up and has a failed marriage. Naked hot chick commits suicide the day before release from jail. No more naked hot chick. Grown up kid learns a lesson in priorities. The moral: Somehow…Hollywood equivocates ethics with the ability to read. It’s a Fellini Public Service Announcement or just plain nonsense (disturbingly ignorant nonsense…disturbingly ignorant offensive nonsense).


UPDATE: Ah...someone actually reads this blog, and has chosen to inquire via email as to what I would consider a valid "Best Picture" entry.

Well considering that the most popular motion picture in the country today is "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," I realize that my tastes don't necessarily fall with the masses. In fact, I can't pick out a best picture from 2008 because regardless of the shape, texture and aroma...it's pretty much all excrement as of late. I choose not to study the bowl and would recommend, instead, "certificates of participation."