Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sunday Essay: "Penn Jillette Got me in Trouble with my Girlfriend"

(Every Sunday will include a little essay that is off the beaten track a bit. It's not meant to be serious. It's not meant to invoke any deep thinking. It's just for fun...and more than a few will be a bit warped. Just like the other six days entries.)

"Penn Jillette Got me in Trouble with my Girlfriend"

The better half of my existence wouldn’t talk to me for two days. Now, I’d wager that some of you would look at that as a blessing depending upon your status and tolerances of the one to whom you are…devoted. In my case, it wasn’t very pleasant.

I, mostly, blame Penn Fraser Jillette, and his silent little buddy, Teller. I suppose I am partially responsible as well for being so impressionable. Although I reserve the right to plead 'ignorance.'

I have this book that Jillette wrote, probably in an afternoon of boredom. It’s entitled “Penn and Teller's How to Play with Your Food.”

It might not shock you to know that there is an entire section giving wonderful insight on the versatility of those little white coffee creamer containers. Simply put, I was drawn in like bum to a Dunkin’ Donuts’ dumpster on the day they clean the shelves.

It seems you can do a relatively simple trick that…well…will scare the living crap out of anyone unfortunate enough to be in front of you at the time. I’m not going to give you a disclaimer in advance of describing the trick for good reason. If you are daft enough to injure yourself trying it out, then I have no sympathy for you. In fact, I’ll stand right along side the ghost of Charles Darwin pointing and laughing at your personal natural selection moment.

Here’s what you do:

1. Hold a coffee creamer concealed in your left hand. Make a fist and place it in front of your eye (I’ll let you choose which one…not important).

2. With your right hand, take a fork and move it up to the pinky end of your left fist.

3. Gradually push it in through your curled fingers until it punctures the paper lid to the coffee creamer.

WahhhhhLahhhhh…abracadabra ala Kazam the trick, she is have punctured your bloody eyeball!! The vitreous fluid, aqueous humor, and various other eyeball related goop is now spilling out over your fist. Punctuate the occurrence with a S-C-R-E-A-M!!!

It is my experience that the scream will be in duet…so don’t be an amateur and immediately show your victim that it was a sham. Channel that time you had to spend two hours on the women's shoe floor at Macy's. Feel the pain of purchasing women's hygene products at the grocery store, remember that night you wanted to catch the Duke/NC game and the Lifetime channel was doing one of the Godforsaken "Thirtysomething" marathons. Play it…sell it…have fun with it.



Previous "Sunday Essays":

The Perfect Murder
The Great Pierre Bruneseau
Our Ancestors Ate Dirt
Bastardizing Chivalry
On my way to Obscurity
I'm Adopting!!!
I Need a Muse
Einstein’s Brain Takes a Vacation…